


It was Beautiful

by orchidwai_hunho



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Realistic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-16 22:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14820500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orchidwai_hunho/pseuds/orchidwai_hunho
Summary: Dedicated to the deceased Kim Jong Hyun who is always the brightest of SHINee.Kris, the former member of EXO &Suho, the leader of EXO... they meet again.





	It was Beautiful

**This story contains sensitive content about depression, suicide and others.**

* * *

 

 

When was it? The last time they talked? They really talked? Junmyun cannot remember. His musical is going on, his comeback is going on, there is always something that is going on. Before they got famous, before they debut in each group, SHINee and EXO, they were best friends.

They always tell things, trivial things or big things that has been going on in their life.

But when did they stop?

Why did they stop?

Who stop first? Him or Jonghyun?

 

I guess it doesn’t matter. What matter is they stopped. Between works and life, they were slaves of work.

Junmyun felt the ache in his chest. He can’t.

There is Jonginnie next to him, trying to comfort him but he can’t. Because the more he hate to say it, the more it clearer to him. Jongin is not the one.

 

“Why?” Choi Minho who rushed to the hospital as soon as Jonghyun’s sister contacted him, shouted at the top of his lungs. He punched the wall. No one knows how terrible it is for being the members of the same group and doesn’t know what is going on with Jonghyun.

 

Jonghyun did not also talked to his members? Junmyun thought. As soon as he had the thought, he shook it away. He cannot do this to the members. They did nothing wrong.

“Hyung,” Junmyun wished he could offer more. More of his condolences, more of his sorrow but what use that is to them?

 

Jonghyun’s sister, Kim Soodan arrived with her parents. It is weird to think of Jonghyun’s parents than Soodan’s parents.

Their eyes met but his sister moved his eyes. I was glad, I think so. Because I really don’t have anything to offer except his useless self.

 

“Hyung, don’t be too sad.” Junmyun does not even know who is talking to who. The hospital is getting crowder with more people. But, how? Jonghyun was their beloved friend. Then his felt this migraine that pierced through him.

“Hyung!” Baekhyun is suddenly next to him. Maybe it was Baekhyun that told him not to be sad. But his head felt like exploding to even think of anything.

 

“Doctor, doctor! Please someone help him.”

 

“I’m fine. I’m fine.” Junmyun said regardless of his pain but he then realized the shouts for help wasn’t for him.

It was for Minho.

 

It is chaotic. Everyone is confused and hurt. Like me, they are probably wondering about what is the last time they had conversed with Jonghyun. Like me, they will probably think about the last meal they shared together or the last laugh or the last hug or the last something.

It was heartbreaking.

Now, Junmyun is next to Minho. He can’t lose another friend. Not on his watch.

Junmyun tried to hold Minho’s hands but he noticed his hands are cold. So he rubbed them together, harder and harder but it doesn’t help. His hands remained cold, why? He doesn’t understand. It is not supposed to be cold. He is supposed to be hot. To help, Minho, to help his friend, he is supposed to be able to help his friend when he is in need. But he can’t.

He did not stop rubbing his hands as tears kept going down his cheek.

 

“Hyung. Stop. Hyung!”

Junmyun did not realize he was hurting himself till Sehun came to grab his hands to stop.

“Hyung, please. Talk to me.” It was Sehun who pulled him into a hug. It was warm. Finally, it’s something that is not cold. Finally it’s something that is not pity.

 

“Hun-ah.” Junmyun only could call out Sehun’s name.

“Hyung, I know. I know. It’s not your fault.”

Really? Junmyun felt the suffocation is relieve a bit. Maybe it’s all he needed to hear. Sehunnie is crying. He looked up and saw the traces of tears. He felt the shame. He is the one older but he is the one receiving comfort.

He thought it was given that he must be grieving the most because he is closest to Jonghyun in EXO but it might not be the case. It was a loss. It was the same loss to everyone who loves him.

 

He looks around. He saw some people he didn’t recognize. Maybe they loved Jonghyun and were also loved by Jonghyun.

 

Then, he is not alone next to Minho. He saw when he looked. There are Taemin and Jinki Hyung. He is not alone. He see his members when he really looked. His sight was clouded by it is getting clearer. There are his members. There are SM artists whom he onced trained together or whom he barely know. But it’s the same. They might not know the real Jonghyun… wait, real Jonghyun? Did he even have a right to say it? Real Jonghyun? Who really know the real Jonghyun? He did no even know Jonghyun has this depression.

He is not even the one Jonghyun bared his feelings to. But the Jonghyun he knows, his brother, his friend Jonghyun is the one who always supported him, cheered him and make him know he is always there when he needed him.

 

When Minho eyes opened, Junmyun, without knowingly, give him a smile. A smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

Junmyun left Minho’s side. He understand Minho needs his members most right now. Something beautiful that he shared together with. He left with heavy steps.

 

And then, the sudden rage tore through him.

WHY???

Wasn’t I good enough of friend to him?

HE punched the wall that is next to him. He expected the pain which never come.

 

“Myun.”

Junmyun’s whole body jolt at the familiar deep voice.

Their eyes met, he was looking up at his love, his heartbreak, his Wu Yifan. Junmyun felt like crying suddenly. He wanted to be in those long arms.

As if Yifan know, he hugged him.

Junmyun wanted to shout, ‘what are you doing here?’. Junmyun felt weak being in those arms. He can’t resist. He fall into Yifan’s arms as he cried.

 

Junmyun doesn’t know how long he cried or how long has Yifan been rocking his body on the floor.

He is not supposed to be here. Not this fast. A thought hit Junmyun and Junmyun looked up at his past lover.

“Why are you here?”

“Because you are here.”

 

A silence. An appreciation. Junmyun felt like smiling despites of all these pains in his head, his chest.

“This doesn’t answer the question.”

He is being fucking logical person and he hates it sometimes. Junmyun can’t just accept the fact that Kris is here. Because he already is in thoughts about the news breaking out, time to reach him and duration of flight and duration of traveling to the hospital from airport.

 

“I am already in Seoul.”

Now, that explained. Junmyun wants to know more. Junmyun wished Kris is talkative like his member Jongdae who speak loud and clear and many. Jongdae always expressed his mind with words or with expression. And then he thought of Jonghyun who communicates through music. He is always composing, writing lyrics and practising. When SHINee is about to debut, Jonghyun is the one who hugged the hell out of him and cried his eyes out because happiness, because sadness and because life.

Because Jonghyun is debuting, about to hit an achievement that all trainees want and Junmyun who still is in unsure future.

 

“I am not ready to deal with you.” Junmyun said but didn’t mean it.

“Myun,”

Junmyun stood up, weakily. He can’t get away from Yifan. The hold is too firm. Maybe he didn’t want to get away. Maybe he wants to but maybe he just can’t.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Chanyeol rushed to Junmyun side as he throw himself between Junmyun and Yifan. He stance protective of Junmyun.

 

“Chanyeol”

“Don’t.”

“Chanyeol,” This time, it’s Junmyun.

“I can handle it. I will. Trust me.”

“No.” Chanyeol is quick to answer as he continued to glare Yifan.

“Chanyeol, come on.” Kyungsoo is here. But Chanyeol is not leaving Junmyun.

 

Kyungsoo said something to Chanyeol as Chanyeol’s eyes turned teary and look back at his leader Hyung. Chanyeol finally followed Kyungsoo as he gave one final glare to his former member.

 

“Thank you.” Both Junmyun and Yifan said in the same low voice but Kyungsoo only nodded at Junmyun and ignored totally at Yifan.

“I guess, even after all these years, I wasn’t forgiven.”

“What do you expect?”

It stabbed Yifan like a thousand blades.

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. You know me, I said a lot of things I didn’t mean.” Junmyun quickly said after seeing the painful expression ran through Yifan's face.

“I know. Of course I know.” Yifan hugged Junmyun again. This time Junmyun is quick to push him away.

“Please leave. This is not the time.”

“You say a lot of things you don’t mean.”

“No. I mean it. Leave.”

 

Junmyun ran. Because he might cry, he might want to cry in Yifan’s arms again if he didn’t leave.

“Myun, please.”

Junmyun finally broke down. He is really tired. He is tired of people leaving him. And now he is running away from his love. He doesn’t want to but he is doing it.

Junmyun let Yifan catch him and pulled him into a hug again.

“Why are you kept hugging me? It is suffocating.” Junmyun cried as he said.

“Because I understand you. Because I love you.”

 

Junmyun cried harder.

“You said you love me. Jonghyun said he loved me. Both of you still left me.”

“Myun-ah.”

Junmyun sobbed and cried on Yifan. He is making a scene but he can’t help. He cannot do anything about this heartache ripping him apart. He felt like it’s going to be better if he cried but no. It hurts. The more he cried, the more his head ache. The more he sobbed, his lungs pained.

 

“Don’t leave me again.”

 

There was no answer. Junmyun cried more. Because he knew he is asking impossible. He knew Kris is going to leave again.

 

“If you are going to leave me again, don’t ever appear in front of me again.”

“No, Myun…”  
“No. You listen. I am saying this, my true feelings. I still love you, you’re right. I forgave you, long ago. It has been three years. But if you are, if you are going to leave this world, I will never forgive you. If someone, if someone in my life leave this world the way Jonghyun leave again, I might really die, Yifan. Please. Promise me.”

Emotions are thick in Yifan’s eyes as he nodded.

“I will never end my own life. Because Junmyun, it’s you who owns it. I am going to leave for China next week because I am finishing up all the schedules. I am going to finish everything I have to do. I am not going to be idol. I am gonna give this celebrity life because I want to be with you. Do you hear me? I want to be with you.”

 

What is he saying?

Junmyun felt like a dream. This idol, celebrity life is something precious to Kris. Because he promised his mother that… because it is his life goal. But he is ending it? Why? Because of me?

 

“Junmyun, I love you.”

 

“No.”

 

“What?”

 

“You’re lying. You are lying right? I am… gonna leave.” Junmyun couldn’t handle this. There’s this warmth feeling that is spreading insides him that he felt wrong to feel this. He is in mourning why is his chest less hurt now? He is mourning for his friend but he Yifan is trying to move him, sway him. No.

 

“Myun.”

 

“LEAVE!” Junmyun shouted. Everyone’s eyes are on him. Chanyeol, as if he was pulled by a magnet, rushed to Junmyun’s side.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Chanyeol asked Junmyun tenderly and he turned to Kris.

“What did you do? Didn’t you hear him? He told you to leave.” Chanyeol said quietly as he can but his voice is booming.

 

“It will be the best if you leave.” The one who stood in front of Chanyeol is Sehun. Yifan looked at Sehun with pride who is now really standing tall against him.

“Junmyun just lost his best friend today.” Yifan tried to stay.

“He has us. He will always have 8 brothers who always stayed by his side.”

 

Yifan swallows his own saliva. He swallows his tears. It’s his fault anyway. Did he really have no rights to stay besides Junmyun in his hardest time?

Yifan back away. Maybe it’s true. Maybe he hurts Junmyun, maybe even more than Jonghyun.

 

“Please do not give up on him.”

Yifan was shocked, he looked down on Kyungsoo.

“He is mourning. He is grieving. He will come around.” Yifan nodded, unable to hold his tears and sobs.

He left.

 

Junmyun saw the back of his lover one last time as he collapsed on the floor with Chanyeol trying to hold.

 

_

 

“Hey, call doctor.”

“Hyung, Hyung, can you hear me?” Jongin tried to call for his Hyung. He has been crying for Junmyun, for Jonghyun, for everything.

“Clear out. The doctors are here.”

 

There is Yoona with the doctors who is carrying a worried look for Junmyun.

“Mr. Kim, have you gain conscious? Please wink twice.”

 

“I’m fine.” Junmyun said with two blinks. He looked for someone who he shouted to leave. He then look at the people around him and saw his members, his parents and his brother.

 

“Kim Jun Myun!”

“Yoona-ah.”

Yoona glared at Junmyun.

“Do you think you are alone hurting?” It was harsh and unexpected.

 

“Noona!” Jongdae said with a frown.

 

“Do you think we don’t hurt? What right do you have to collapsed like this?!”

“I’m sorry!”

“DON’T BE SORRY! DON’T GO AROUND BLAMING YOURSELF. IT’S NOT OUR FAULTS. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.” Yoona shouted, crying and hugging Junmyun who is on bed, tearing up again at the sight of his best friend’s breaking down in front of him.

 

“I already scolded a lot of Choi Minho. He is so stupid sometimes. Do you think Jonghyun is going to be happy seeing us like this? That stupid Minho, you too! Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.”

“Yoona-ah, don’t cry.” Junmyun is lost at words which is the first time. He has a lot of words. He talked smooth. He always had been. But no, right now, he can’t think of anything to speak. He looked at Yoona who is sobbing and having difficulty to breath.

 

“Is Minho ok?”

Junmyun tried to ask casually.

“He regained conscious shortly after you fainted. Taemin and Jinki oppa is there with him.”

Junmyun nodded. Then he looked around to see his members who is relying on to each other.

Regardless of the tragedy, there are things beautiful.

Like, the friendship they had which will last forever.

Like, his members who are looking over him, protecting him.

 

“Taeyeon unnie is also here.” Yoona directing the words to Baekhyun. Baekhyun rushed outside, before that give Junmyun a last look. He only smiled back as Junmyun nodded him an approving sign.

 

“Love is not something guilty. Love is beautiful. I hope you don’t deny love, Junmyun.” Yoona gave him a look that she knew. And she stood up to hug EXO members who hugged her back.

 

Junmyun shutted his mind down. He doesn’t want to think. Maybe it’s true that gemini are stubborn.

 

_

 

It’s already tomorrow.

It’s already hours passed since Jonghyun left this world.

Junmyun opens his eyes, he is still at the hospital. He blinked trying to take hold of time. It’s 5 in the morning. Everything is so silent.

The lost is more apparent, clearer.

Strangely, he found that he is not crying. He found that there is still Sehun by his side, holding his hand.

 

He tried to move his hand from Sehun without waking Sehun but failed.

“Hyung.”

“Hunnie, go home. Get some sleep.” Junmyun softly said.

“Where are you going?”

“Funeral.” Junmyun found himself smiling down at Sehun who is not returning the smile.

 

This feeling is coming back. The nauseated feelings that pushed him down. Pushed him so hard that he suffocated.

“Don’t smile, Hyung. Don’t give me a fake smile. I don’t want that from you.”

“Hun-ah.” He tried to speak but Sehun hugged him tight.

“Hyung, please don’t give up. Alright? Whatever you do, please don’t give up. I am scared. I am very scared.” Sehun is crying. Junmyun felt his heart break for his Maknae. Whenever Junmyun broke down, Sehun is always there for him. Sehun took him out to eat. Sehun took him out for shopping. Sehun is always trying to save him, like now.

 

“I won’t. Sehunnie. I won’t. I promise, okay? But you have to promise me too that you too will not do such things. It will break me.”

Sehun nodded, tears still pouring down.

 

“Are you going to follow me?” Junmyun asked.

Sehun nodded, unable to speak.

“Let’s go. Before the place is flooded with reporters.”

 

Today isn’t easier than yesterday.

Today is like yesterday.

The same hurting.

The same absence of Jonghyun.

The same trace of tragedy.

 

Taeyeon is already at the funeral hall when they arrived. Junmyun wondered why there is no traces of Baekhyun but the thought dispersed fast.

“You come.” Taeyeon greeted.

Junmyun remembered whenever Taeyeon is sad, Jonghyun always was there for her. They were very very good friends.

 

Are you alright? Junmyun is about to open his mouth then, he closed. It is not the right thing to ask. Of course they are not alright. Of course they are still wrecked.

Instead, Junmyun go forward as he hugged Taeyeon.

“Things will get better.”

“Junmyun. Thank you.” Taeyeon seemed tired. Junmyun did not like the fact that they felt closer because they shared the same loss. They should get closer on different terms. Like when Taeyeon was Baekhyun’s girlfriend, they were pretty closed.

Now,...

 

They smiled at each other, hoping one could find comfort in another’s. But they know not now. Not yet.

They sit silently, remembering their own personal memories of Jonghyun. It was cold. It was early. Junmyun remembered Sehun didn’t have a coat on, only his hoodie.

“Hunnie?” When Junmyun turned to Sehun, he was dozing off.

 

“Sehun-ah?” Junmyun hated to wake him but he had to so that he can let his Maknae go back home and rest.

“Hyung, sorry.”

 

Sehun shouldn’t be apologizing.

“Just go back home.” Junmyun said softly, patting his head lovingly.

“What about you?”

Junmyun smiled and shaking his head.

 

“We are brothers right? I will never let Hyung suffer alone.” Sehun smiled, hugging Junmyun. Junmyun realized he need that hug from Maknae. Regardless of the cold and absence of thick coat, Sehun body is extremely warm.

 

One by one people dropped in. One by one people left. Everything seemed calm till someone entered the room.

 

Kim Ki Bum.

 

Junmyun bite his lips down, tears suddenly filled his eyes the moment he saw Kibum. Kibum loved Jonghyun. They were lovers. Junmyun heard that Jonghyun broke up with Kibum 3 months ago.

Kibum is at his worse situation. His flight from Portugal just landed and he came straight from airport. He must have spent at least 12 hours on plane. And the worse is, Kibum seemed confused till. Kibum looked like he hasn’t accepted the fact that Jonghyun is… no longer alive.

 

“Kibum-ah.” Junmyun called out since Kibum is now running towards Jonghyun’s picture, trying to rip it away.

“No. No. No. NOO!”

Kibum cried out. Taeyeon silently is crying along with her friends. Sehun helped Junmyun, holding down Kibum.

 

“Kibum. Please. I’m sorry.” Junmyun couldn’t offer anything more than that he is sorry. He truly is. He really is. He felt so useless. So hopeless. So helpless.

“It can’t be true. It was just three days ago. He… he sent me off to airport. He said, he… he said goodbye. I thought… I thought… I never thought he meant… he meant it this way. Jonghyun-ah. KIM JONG HYUN.”

Everyone here seemed broke. The sight of Kibum, screaming in pain got everyone. Everyone who was holding on their calm face is now contorting in cries. Some men are crying not silently. Women are sobbing, hugging each other.

They lost it.

 

“Why? Where is this fucking letter they said he left? WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?! I don’t believe it. He can’t… he will never do this. I… I didn’t know. I… I love him. I love him and I… I didn’t know. WHERE THE FUCK IS…”

“KIM KI BUM! SHUT UP!”

 

Junmyun looked at the direction the voice came and he saw Soojung.

“Where do you think you are?! This is where everyone mourn silently. If you love Jonghyun Oppa, keep silent. Keep it down. You can go anywhere to throw your tantrum but not HERE! Here, Jonghyun Oppa lies. Here, he…” Soojung finally broke down into tears as she run into Kibum and hugged him tight.

Junmyun did not think anymore as he hugged these two. They three hugging each other as they cried.

 

Things got quiet down again.

Kibum is now with Minho, Taemin and Onew. Soojung is now with f(x) members. Red Velvet, NCT, Super Junior and other artists are here too.

 

“Hyung, I’m gonna go get coffee, you want?”

“Thanks.” Junmyun nodded as Sehun and Chanyeol left to get coffee. It is when the tiredness came in like a wave. He felt the world titled down as his head is about to meet the floor. But it hasn’t. It met a sturdy shoulder.

“Thank you.” Junmyun said as he opened his eyes to look at the person.

 

“Yifan?” Junmyun blinked again to get a clearer look and it’s really him.

“What are you doing here again?”

“To lend you a shoulder.”

Junmyun is tired. It would be nice to be able to close his eyes, even if just for a while.

“You are leaving.” Junmyun muttered silently.

“Not now.” Yifan softly replied as he let his head lean on top of Junmyun’s.

 

He doesn’t know how long he was out. When he opened his eyes, he is on Yifan’s lap. Yifan’s fingers are gently patting his back.

He quickly got rid of the urge to cry. Yifan is not his lover. Not anymore.

 

“I think you should leave.”

Junmyun got up and said without sparing a look at Yifan.

 

“Junmyun-ah, can I talk with you? A moment?”

Unexpectly it was Kibum whose face is now clean of tears. Junmyun got up from his seat. He felt like Kibum save him from Yifan. That’s what he thought before he heard everything Kibum had to say.

 

“Did you know?” Kibum asked.

Junmyun didn’t need clarification. He knew Kibum is referring to Jonghyun.

“No. It’s shameful but I had no idea.”

“It’s okay. Because a boyfriend, me, have no idea. The only people Jonghyun opened up to were his friend and doctors.”

“Kibum-ah.”

“No. It’s not okay but I understand. I will never let him give up living if I knew. He probably knew it. He must be really tired. I… I am going to respect his decision even if I don’t approve of it.”

Junmyun nodded. When is he going to achieve this level of understanding and maturity? He does not know but he hoped one day he will. Now, he is just hurting.

 

“Yifan loves you.”

“Huh?”

It was sudden change of topic and Junmyun caught off guard.

“I thought, when he broke up with me, I hated him. And I thought I am going to make him crazy with jealousy. I thought I had a lifetime worth of revenge and plan to get Jonghyun back.”

Kibum couldn’t hold the tears. They fall down, thick and heavy.

 

“The twist is something I hadn’t expected. I really had thought SHINee is going to be the one group that stayed the same, you know? Fans said something like OT5 is forever and us five will never let go of each other and till death comes.”

Kibum’s voice started to shake. His lips are quivering.

“Were we too greedy? Is that a punishment? Becauses death didn’t come found us. He go find death.”

“Kibum-ah,”

When Junmyun started to say something, Kibum hold up a hand to stop.

“Don’t waste the time you could be with the one you love. Life is short. Be with him. See how long you can go with him. Just live. Jonghyun would want you to. He will be proud of you choosing happiness. He will proud of you, doing something he couldn’t. Go. Your love is waiting.”

 

As soon as Junmyun heard those words, he felt enlightened. Why is he running away from Yifan?

Didn’t Yifan said he is going to be with him?

Does that still stands?

Is Yifan going to be still there?

 

Junmyun started to run back to the hall where he left Yifan, where he told Yifan to leave. No, Kibum is right. That’s not something he should be doing. It’s not right. What if Yifan really left, taking his words for real?

The worry started to grow insides him.

He shouted, “Thank you” to Kibum and he ran.

 

He ran and he saw the ocean of people. He looked for tall people and there are many. He looked for his Yifan which is not many, which is the only one in this world, for him, his.

 

Here he is.

 

“Fan Fan!” Junmyun couldn’t care where he is, who are watching. He ran. He needed to be insides those long arms.

Yifan seemed unready but his arms opened up for him automatically. If this is not love, he doesn’t know what is.

 

“I love you. I didn’t mean things I said. I love you. Please don’t leave me.”

“I know. Shh. I know. I won’t leave you, again.” Yifan kissed on top of Junmyun’s head as he hugged the hell out of him.

 

His dead is a tragedy.

Even though it is the path Jonghyun chosen, no one can’t deny it is a tragedy.

But the world is not only filled with tragedies.

Because we lose someone we loved, we know how to appreciate people who are still here more.

It is sad that it took a life for people to see that it is meaningless to hate someone.

We are all going to die one day, why not spread love instead of hate?

Why not be kinder, even for a little bit more?

 

It is okay to love someone, it is okay to feel loved by someone in the midst of all misery. Because it is the point of misery. In order to appreciate the good in our lives, there has to be some bad things.

* * *

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers  
> ;  
> This story is not to disrespect any SHAWOL or BLINGEST who is still in mourning  
> This story's intention is purely to give consolences to anyone who is suffering


End file.
